The following two paragraphs have been adapted for a class sharing. Let's identify the strengths of these paragraphs, starting with the first. The purpose of this activity is to see what makes a paragraph effective, and how it can be further improved.
Paragraph 1
"(1) Seeing an animal, in person, in captivity is a much more realistic and memorable experience than seeing that animal in a nature documentary. (2) In nature documentaries, we may not always get to witness the truth. (3) In fact, what we see may only be what the documentary director wants us to see, his own agenda in creating the documentary, and not what goes on in nature. (4) A good zoo provides an enriched habitat in which the animals are well cared-for, and have plenty of space to live in, and gives the general public the opportunity to witness wild animals as they are and create memorable memories. (5) By bringing people and animals together, zoos also educate the public and foster an appreciation of the animals. (6) Such exposure and education motivate people to protect the animals. (7) Therefore, seeing an animal in person at a zoo would be beneficial to our society as we not only gain memorable memories, but also the motivation to protect and appreciate these animals."
Dr. A: I will not comment on the soundness of the argument, as my focus is purely on the language and ideas at this stage. This is an eloquently-written text, showing varied sentence structures and a valid, strong attempt to achieve evaluation of documentaries. The bold words "enriched" and "foster" indicate good attempts to use new words learnt. The following are elaborations on the strengths and the possible areas for improvement. (Click "Read More")
Paragraph 1
"(1) Seeing an animal, in person, in captivity is a much more realistic and memorable experience than seeing that animal in a nature documentary. (2) In nature documentaries, we may not always get to witness the truth. (3) In fact, what we see may only be what the documentary director wants us to see, his own agenda in creating the documentary, and not what goes on in nature. (4) A good zoo provides an enriched habitat in which the animals are well cared-for, and have plenty of space to live in, and gives the general public the opportunity to witness wild animals as they are and create memorable memories. (5) By bringing people and animals together, zoos also educate the public and foster an appreciation of the animals. (6) Such exposure and education motivate people to protect the animals. (7) Therefore, seeing an animal in person at a zoo would be beneficial to our society as we not only gain memorable memories, but also the motivation to protect and appreciate these animals."
Dr. A: I will not comment on the soundness of the argument, as my focus is purely on the language and ideas at this stage. This is an eloquently-written text, showing varied sentence structures and a valid, strong attempt to achieve evaluation of documentaries. The bold words "enriched" and "foster" indicate good attempts to use new words learnt. The following are elaborations on the strengths and the possible areas for improvement. (Click "Read More")